Dear camera

Dear camera,

I understand that living with me is apparently not enjoyable for cameras. I know my first camera went through a lot, yet it stuck with me – at age 6 I lost it at the butterfly farm (I got it back) after taking one picture of a butterfly and about 17 pictures of the sparrow sitting next to our lunch table, hung it on a tree in the rain for several days, and then finally dropped it on the floor of a ferry, smashing it (I put it back together again). Despite this misuse, this camera remained almost fully functional (although guessing the frame number became necessary). Sadly 110 film was never going to catch on.

I know I dropped my second camera on cobbles in Norfolk at age 10, accidentally named it Tigger when I stuck a Dymo sticker of my cat’s name on it, and eventually retired it with honour when film became obsolete. I stuck some butterfly stickers on it’s case, which perhaps wasn’t so honourable and destroyed its manly red and black image.

Third camera was a slight detour – a rescue camera adopted from my Dad when he upgraded it. That film bridge was perhaps too large for a 12 year old to be lugging around, but we stuck at it. We probably took photos of the eclipse together. Fun times. Sadly, it was not to be. Whilst distracted with my new digicam, fourth camera, Dad conveniently forgot he had given third camera to me and sold it to a friend. I never got to say goodbye…

My fourth camera decided to take the initiative and force retirement by taking about 30 seconds to warm up the flash in between shots, thereby embarrassing me at parties and gatherings. This tactic worked. I do realise revenge is perhaps a childish response, and I intended to sell it on eBay, before discovering that that particular model wasn’t even selling for £5. So camera four won.

Fifth camera had erectile dysfunction (priapism perhaps?) at a wedding after having some batteries of Ding’s inserted, oddly the same batteries had the same effect the same day on Dad’s camera. So that was curtains for that. I’m still not sure if that was some kind of suicide pact – I’ve never heard of batteries killing cameras so effectively…

Sixth camera first convinced it’s battery charger to run away, and then some months afterwards ran away itself, and given that it’s a rather large SLR bridge I’m not entirely sure how it’s managed to hide itself so effectively. Naked as well – I have it’s case. Maybe that’s why it’s hiding.

Eighth camera was a tangent that you really shouldn’t have been jealous of – an underwater film camera not only fulfils a different niche to yourself (trust me – you don’t want to try underwater) but it is, essentially, a FILM camera I bought for £10, and thus is automatically inferior. The fact it choked itself on it’s first film halfway through the holiday merely emphasises it’s inadequacies. The fact that I haven’t bothered to unchoke it and develop the film yet perhaps gives you an understanding of the worth I attribute to camera eight.

I realise also there have been a number of one night stands, those bright yellow cases and their films of one use wonder, so fleeting they don’t even earn a number. I know I have a half used one somewhere, but believe me when I say it means nothing, and I rarely ever think about it.

You, camera seven, purchased both because you were a good camera but also because you were lurid pink and thus less likely to camouflage yourself – have I not been a good owner? I bought you your own case (lurid blue with purple swirls). I kept you in it – it wasn’t just for looks! I bought you 2GB smart cards – which other camera has had such space? I took you everywhere. Was it that I offered to lend you to N to take pictures of chickens with? (Thanks, by the way. Running away just as he asked me for you wasn’t even slightly embarrassing). Was it N or the chickens you had problems with? Or the fact I was willing to trust someone else with you? Was it the fact that at least half of your 2GB was filled with pictures of my cats? Where have you gone that you have disappeared so completely?

And most importantly – do you realise you’ve left me alone with only an iPhone to document my cats entertaining activities with? My black cats? My black cats that show up as basically floating eyes in the wonderousness that is the 2 megapixel no flash “what do you mean when you say ‘focus’?” iPhone?

I trust that having read this and realising what you are putting me through you will perhaps reconsider your decision to desert me.

Kind regards,

Kai